Let me tell you that that it was really hard to stop saying – “I told you so” or “you should have” or nagging or having a back retort, which was how my mum used to annoy my dad, where she would walk off to the kitchen and start muttering her displeasure (he can still hear her!)
What I realised in those moments when I faltered, I knew, in my heart, that it will turn into a conflict. The thing is when I think I’m right it means that I think he’s wrong.
So what if I’m right! The problem is they also think they are right, right?
But I keep reminding myself that it’s not about them or about it’s not about right or wrong. It’s about being kind and wanting to be a better person and most importantly, I didn’t want to be like my mother.
(Not that’s anything wrong with my mother. I just didn’t want to repeat her pattern of behaviours that stemmed from her negative belief system.)
I’m a truly believer in that when you are willing to change yourself, others around you will change as well, because they will respond to the kinder and more loving person you’ve become. Because when you change yourself, you will start to love yourself more. And people can sense that in your energy.
I do have to acknowledge my husband as well, because he inspires to be kinder person. My husband has the biggest heart of anyone I know. He could give and give and give, without expecting anything back and that’s not how I was brought up? And wanted to be more like that – and I’m still working on this.
So it takes 2 to clap or make or break a relationship – so here are 6 tips or lessons that we have both co-created to build the life we have at this moment –
6 Tips on How To Start Having Difficult Conversations with your Partner
(1) Work on yourself first
I recognised that i can’t change the situation nor my husband. So I worked on not making him or myself wrong. I worked on being kinder to myself. And I’m still working on myself.
(2) Telling each other “I love you” every single day!
My husband is the instigator on this one and he makes me feel loved every single day and even on the bad days. And we hug every morning before he goes to work and when he comes home. I’m very blessed.
Ps If saying “I love you” is difficult for both of you – read this story I wrote on how you can say I love you without saying I love you.
(3) Going for walks together
We have the best heart-felt conversations on our walks.
If walking is not your jam, think of any activity that can give you both space to be quiet with your own thoughts and at the same, you can be with each other.
(4) Being brave enough to tell him that what you want is for him to listen and not be in fixing mode.
He says this to me now – “do you want a solution or do you want me to listen?” 😉
(5) Journal what you want to say to him
Sometimes after I write, I didn’t need to say anything, coz journaling (and meditating for me) clears my headspace. But yes, I will have a script 🙂
(6) Making a date for the difficult conversations
I’m super bad at confrontations, so I need time to mentally prepare. (thus the journal). I pick the worst time and vice versa, but no time is perfect right? And so I will ask him when he is ready. And vice versa, if I’m not ready, I will tell him…. I lie sometimes I’m not even aware I put up walls, and he knows now, and he will give me time. 🙂
I hope this was helpful!
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